The more
broke you are the more the light gets through
So it’s been a while since I've posted
much. Sorry. The last few months leading up to my 26th birthday were....well
crazy. So crazy that I even forgot my birthday. But more on that later. I know
normally I would have a video up but with how personal this is I wanted to type
it out instead.
This last year has had my highest of highs
mostly impart because of my25 for which I am forever grateful! However because
there must be opposition in all things this year has also had my lowest of lows.
Some of my biggest trials were realized this year along with most of my
fears.
The Lord has always blessed me with so
much and for about three or four years it seemed as though I was receiving
blessings after blessings. Things were just working out for my good in ways
that I could see and I was in heaven. Then about a year ago everything changed.
I’m not saying that the blessing stopped because they never did but the ones
that I had come so accustomed to were all of the sudden... gone....
One of the biggest blessings though was
that Heavenly Father helped me to see SO much good during most of these times
of trials. You may be thinking "well you were just looking to the
positive" and although at rare times you may be right please know that most
of the time when I was seeing the good it was because he was helping me to see
it more than I was trying to.
With it being the end of the year I have
been looking back on everything and have been almost shocked with everything
that I was asked to go through this year. I have been reflecting a lot about
how God's hands were in so much of everything that was happening to me, I was
never alone. I have been feeling so grateful to Christ especially these past
few weeks and I didn't really know how to put it into words. Until last
night.
Once a year I take myself on a date. I do
try and do it more often but every year I like to go up to temple square for a
date with myself. It’s my favorite place to be. And as I am up there I always
wander into their Deseret book. This year as I was day dreaming about the art
that I would one day love to buy I saw the following picture.
It’s a painting called Threads of Faith. I
was awe struck. Someone had painted me into a photo. Ok not really but this
photo showed exactly how I was feeling about this past year and one of the
major trials that I have been walking through. Her face was a face that I knew
so well for it had been my face so many times over the past few months.
As most of you know I have struggled with
my health for the majority of my adult life. One of my biggest blessings this
year has also proven to be my biggest trial. In July with the help of a great
doctor we found out what has been the major cause of so many of my illnesses.
In such a great way to say it was a relief to finally know what was wrong was
an understatement. While at the same time a fear that I have held for so long
was realized. When I was 14 I started to experience really bad pains in my abdomen
to the point of not being able to move. It was then that I first started to fear
that having children would not be easy for me. As any of my close friends can
tell you there is nothing in this world that I want more than to be a
mother.
This July I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary
Syndrome (PCOS).There were a lot of thigs that my doctor told me that day when we finally got a diagnosis. But for the longest time all I could hear or
remember him saying was that it is going to be very difficult for me to have
children; especially the older I get and the longer I waited. As an
almost 26 year old that has never been more single that I currently am I went
numb. How could this be my diagnosis?!?! Numb was the only thing I could do. I
was so happy... and yet so incredibly sad and nothing had even started to sink
in.
To make matters harder a few weeks later
one of my closest friends won her battle with cancer and returned home to our
heavenly father. At that point this face was the only face that I could muster
most days. (And still find its way to my face to this day) There was so much pain in my heart I didn’t know where to begin with everything. At first all I could do was go numb I cried at Rach’s funeral but that
seemed to throw me into going more numb so much so that I forgot my birthday
was just two days following the funeral. I had to be reminded by a friend and to be honest I didnt want to celebrate anything!
When things started to really sink in I chose to start with
crying. Not over Big Rach. No. I knew that she was ok and although I really
missed her I knew that it was for the best. And now I knew one of my angles in
heaven.
Once I started to start with crying it was
more over the PCOS than anything. I kept telling myself that I needed to morn
this because I was so hurt by the news. Ad to a point I was right but at the same time something in the
back of my head kept saying don’t give up! You are ot you dyagnosis! (somethig rach would always say) This voice was almost always pushed
further and further back and completly ignored. Until one day I was sitting I institute and heard a
voice as clear as day saying. "Yes you are sick but you can focus on that OR you
could just be grateful that you have a body." The more I think about it the more
I think that I think it was Rach. I realized how selfish I was being. I knew
that the Lord had promised me the blessing of one day being a mother; I then
changed my point of view. I chose to no longer look to the diagnosis alone. I
chose to look toward my Savior. If anyone can heal me HE CAN, Lately I have
felt so much like this woman. I long for the day when I hear the words, "Thy faith hath made the whole". If I could only touch his robes. I know he can heal me and I know that one day he will. But if not I also know that he still has a
plan for me and I will in some way and somehow one day become a mother. Thanks Rach for the reminder.
I have so much hope in Him! Because of Him
I can become something more than I could ever dream! I know that this is not
just true for me but it true for each of you as well. HE LOVES YOU! And he has
already done everything to prove that to you. Rely on Him. In Him there is
Peace; there is hope; there is joy; and in Him there is a Home.
Each year I pick a new Christmas song to
express how I feel about my Savior and what he has done for me over the past
year. Below is this year’s video. Merry Christmas! God Bless.
P.S. I will finish the postings of my 25 things. Promise!
